Bondage For Beginners!

By Terry Mancour

When you think of “kinky”, often the first thing that pops into your head is the image of whips and chains, pain and pleasure . . . and some guy with a cheesy 70s pornstar mustache.  But erotic bondage and discipline is both far more common and far less extreme than most people think.  Millions of couples have incorporated light bondage and fantasy discipline into their every-day sex lives without going to extremes.  Once the practice is understood for what it is – and what it isn’t – then incorporating this kind of fantasy sex into your life is a great way to inject some passion and intensity into your relationship.

Restraints

Erotic bondage is, quite simply, the use of restraints on one partner during sex to suggest a loss of control that many find exciting.  Control games such as tying up or blindfolding your partner can be highly stimulating – some lovers who have a hard time reaching orgasm because of control issues find it far easier to do so once they have abandoned themselves to a light bondage scenario.  The restraints, as nominal as they might be, give them permission to relax and “let go” for their lover.  Of course there are degrees of bondage play, from a simple binding of hands with a silk tie or pantyhose, through the use of light handcuffsor Velcro bindings, all the way up to rather extreme full-body suits that provide a sense of immobility that only a seasoned bondage enthusiast is usually comfortable with.

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Hand in hand with erotic bondage is BDSM – “Bondage & Discipline/Sado-Masochism” – the “whips” part of “whips and chains”.  While this aspect might be as daunting to some as bondage is to others, the safe and controlled fantasy power-plays between lovers can inspire great depths of passion, sexual exploration, and mind-numbing orgasms when just the right balance of pain and pleasure is achieved.  

Pain And Pleasure

While some are leery of mixing pain with pleasure, the two are naturally combined.  The same nerve cells on our skin that register a gentle caress become excited and super-sensitive when a little pain is provided.  The purpose of BDSM play is not to injure the recipient of the playful spanking, of course, or even cause a lot of pain – merely to excite and sensitize the flesh to achieve greater responsiveness and orgasm.  

Most beginners in BDSM confine themselves to a light spanking, with hand, small whip or paddle, often followed with tiny caresses that can inspire tremendous erotic sensation.  Of course many of us have fantasies of control that include pain and spanking – naughty schoolgirl/boy, “French Maid”, boss/secretary, master/slave girl and other erotic role-playing games incorporating some degree of BDSM are highly popular as our culture grows more sexually sophisticated.  Accessories to compliment these fantasies are widely available, from paddles, whips, and other “spanking implements” to costumes appropriate to any fantasy.  

Sex Play Rules

But even the novice BDSM enthusiast needs to remember a few key rules to restraints and sex play.  First there is the “safe word” – a mutually-agreed-upon word unlikely to come up in the scene (“umbrella” or “pickle” are popular) which, when spoken by either party, indicates that someone is feeling uncomfortable with the scenario and wants to stop.  Agreeing to a safe word is vital to fostering the sense of trust necessary to have a truly enjoyable BDSM experience.

Another mistake some novices make in their enthusiasm is introducing too many BDSM elements into their sex lives too quickly.  Not only can a mountain of whips and handcuffs be intimidating to a partner new to the practice, but trying to incorporate too much too soon can put a strain on the relationship and lead to a disappointing experience.  Try introducing one or two elements at a time, and add to them as you and your partner decide which things you found enjoyable.  Usually starting with a simple blindfold and an easily-escapable bondage rig – tying your mate’s hands loosely to the bedposts with a couple of old ties or Velcro restraints, for example – is enough of a start to get you and your partner comfortable with the idea.  After that, explore your fantasies with expansions of your bondage gear gradually.

An important consideration is how tightly you bind your partner (or wish to be bound yourself.)  Many novice BDSM enthusiasts make the mistake of thinking that the best way to begin is by tightly immobilizing their partner to the point where escape on their own is difficult or impossible.  While it’s true that a loss of control is implicit in the BDSM experience, it’s also important to remember that a novice is going to be nervous about that loss of control and might panic when faced with true immobility.  Usually the simple illusion of immobility is quite enough to convince someone to abandon their sense of control – once they are satisfied that they can escape at will if they get uncomfortable.  Lightly-restricting bondage gear with quick-release fasteners is usually perfectly adequate for a beginner’s BDSM experience.