Couples Sex Advice: Eight Tips That Will Help You to Overcome a Dry Spell in Your Marriage

By Dr. E. C. Gordon

The claim that a married sex life is necessarily repetitive or stale is an inaccurate cliché. If you and your spouse are finding physical intimacy to be unsatisfying in its nature or frequency, you do not simply need to accept that this is how things will continue to be. Read on to discover the eight most effective and straightforward things that you can do in order to overcome a sexual dry spell in your marriage, and learn how to make married sex hot, fun and passionate once again.

1) Don’t let your sex life cause depression or anxiety:

It is vital to remember that almost all couples experience periods of diminished sexual desire or satisfaction. Even people who are deeply in love and sexually open-minded can still find their sex lives destroyed by stress, family responsibilities or health problems. It is also common to have a temporarily reduced libido and be entirely unsure of the cause, even when you are still extremely attracted to your partner. Problems in the bedroom do not have to indicate that the marriage is destined to fail, and they are not indications that a good sex life is a thing of the past. In addition, it is important that you not be fooled by popular claims about how much sex is healthy, or how much sex a married couple ‘needs’ to have. Such claims only cause doubt and insecurity, and they are deeply misleading because what is healthy or necessary varies greatly from one relationship to another. With these thoughts in mind, it will be easier for you to avoid panicking or becoming extremely distraught in response to a dry spell in your marriage. If you can stay calm and keep thinking in a productive way, it will be a lot easier to improve your sex life with your spouse. A relaxed attitude to intimacy more easily leads to fun, uninhibited experimentation, while believing that your physical relationship is doomed usually ends up contaminating your everyday interactions as well.

2) Encourage open and honest communication about sex:

Although sex is becoming increasingly less taboo as a topic of conversation, some married couples still feel too uncomfortable and apprehensive to instigate a sober and direct conversation about their sex lives. However, studies repeatedly show that people who frequently discuss their sexual needs and desires tend to be much more likely to describe their sex lives as satisfying and enjoyable. If you are going to move past a dry spell in your marriage, it is important to be able to give each other suggestions regarding what would make physical intimacy more enjoyable for you. Is there a new way you would like to be touched? Do you want to learn what frequency of sex would be ideal for your spouse? These sorts of questions can help to restructure your sex life in a way that pleases you both, and you will also find that discussing what turns you on can be instrumental in spiking levels of desire. It is exciting to hear about what your partner likes most about you and your sexual prowess, and it can also be thrilling to confess to some fantasies that you have hitherto kept secret.

3) Adopt an open-minded approach to trying new things in your sex life:

After years of having sex, married couples often fall into a minimally enjoyable and practical routine when it comes to making love. While this is better than having no sex life at all, it can become a dull or empty experience for one or both parties. In spite of this, you may be hesitant and uncomfortable at the thought of changing your routine. You may worry about your partner laughing at your new ideas, or fear that you will develop stage fright in the face of attempting a new technique in bed. One way to get around this intimidating roadblock is to agree to write a list of things that you want to think about trying. Once you and your spouse have worked out what should be on such a list, you can sit down and talk about what seems most appealing (and remember that you are not obligated to actually show your partner the list). If even this approach sounds too daunting, try browsing the internet to find checklists of sexual ideas. This is an excellent way to discover which things you want to try out or discount, and some of the items on this checklist may spark result in entirely new ideas of your own. In addition, most couples can find a lot of humor in this activity, as few are drawn to the most extreme options.

4) Try to make bedtime more conducive to sexual intimacy:

First, it is important that you be able to feel attracted to your spouse regardless of whether they are wearing a sexy outfit or an old t-shirt. However, you are unlikely to consistently burn with lust if you see your partner in an ill-fitting pajama set every time you go to bed. If one or both of you stop putting in effort when it comes to dressing for bed, this can unfortunately have an adverse influence on the level of sexual desire and chemistry that exists between you. Bear in mind that neither of you need to squeeze into fetish wear in order to make going to bed more conducive to sex; simply going to bed in your underwear (or nothing at all) can set your spouse’s pulse racing.

5) Remember that there are important sexual benefits that come with marriage:

While you might fall into the trap of thinking that life would be more fun if you had multiple new partners on a regular basis or were just starting to have sex with a new love, don’t forget that married couples get to enjoy many benefits that are lacked in such circumstances. For one thing, you know that if something goes wrong in the bedroom then this one bad performance won’t shake your partner’s commitment or make them reconsider being with you. In addition, when you are with someone who knows you well and is committed to loving you, there is more freedom to be honest about certain sexual fantasies and activities that you would like to explore. Finally, knowing one another’s bodies as well as you do means that when making love goes well it can be profoundly satisfying in a way that a one night stand or a sex session with a new person seldom turns out to be.

6) Realize that sexual problems can infect other areas of your marriage:

If you are struggling to find the courage to talk to your spouse about your sex life concerns, one thing that might motivate you is the knowledge that a bad sex life seldom remains insolated. It almost always causes further interpersonal problems. In contrast, better physical intimacy usually improves your emotional connection with your partner, so it is well worth having a frank discussion about your sex life. As your sex life gets better, so will everyday aspects of your marriage, and in response to these interpersonal improvements the sex is likely to improve even more.

7) Do not assume that you already know everything about your partner’s body:

When you have been married for years or decades, it is all too easy to believe that you must have already learned everything that there is to know about your spouse’s erogenous zones and sexual responses. In truth, there is always more to learn, and abandoning the mistaken assumption that you know it all can lead to newly heightened sexual creativity. Each person is different when it comes to which areas feel best when stimulated, so try exploring new parts of your partner’s body during foreplay (either with your hands or your mouth). Some people love to be softly kissed on the back, while others experience shivers of pleasure when the sensitive skin of the scalp is stroked. Giving or receiving a full-body massage is also an enjoyable and relaxing way to learn about surprisingly pleasurable or arousing areas of the body. Constantly trying to find new sensitive spots and experimenting with new ways of stimulating the confirmed erogenous zones helps to stop sex from being a predictable, businesslike affair.

8) Work to make your bedroom a place associated with sexual intimacy:

It is important to be able to see your bedroom as place in which you can enjoy freedom and relaxation away from your daily obligations. Often, this will mean making sure that it is free from children and pets, especially since it seems that these family members are particularly prone to bursting in at the exact moment that you and your spouse are becoming amorous. While any children you have should feel free to knock on your door for attention if they need help or assistance, your sex life will improve if your children do not enter the room without permission.

If you keep the above tips in mind, then with a little time and effort you should be able to overcome a dry spell in your marriage. However, it is important to note that all is not lost if you and your spouse still find that you are struggling. Some couples counselors specialize in sexual therapy, and they may be able to get to the heart of why your sex life remains so unsatisfying.