Sex Drive

Seven Tips for Dealing With Incompatible Sex Drives

October 24, 2019
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Seven Tips for Dealing With Incompatible Sex Drives

by Dr. E. C. Gordon

Seven Tips for Dealing With Incompatible Sex Drives

Although sex is not the most important part of a long term relationship, partners with different sex drives can find that this incompatibility starts to interfere with other aspects of their relationship. If your partner seems to be less interested in sex, you can feel unattractive, insecure and frustrated. Meanwhile, if your partner wants to have more frequent sex, you can feel pressured and resentful. Read on to discover seven tips that will help you to understand and deal with the difference between your partner’s sex drive and your own.

1) Have a long, honest conversation:
If you refuse to talk about your sex life, any problems can be magnified and can start to infect unexpected parts of your interpersonal dynamic. After a while, the whole relationship may turn sour. Given these possibilities, avoiding the issue is one of the worst decisions you can make if you and your partner have incompatible sex drives. That being said, many people find it awkward and uncomfortable to have frank conversations about sex, so if you decide to be the one to instigate the conversation then make sure you do so in a way that encourages your partner to open up. Start out by saying that you are not blaming anyone for the issues in your sex life, and that you want to discuss them so that you can work together to find a solution that will make things better. If the conversation starts to become an argument, try to keep calm and remind your partner that you only want to discuss this topic because you care about making sure that the relationship is as good as it can possibly be.

2) Find out whether foreplay is an issue:
People sometimes start to desire sex less because they are not deriving as much enjoyment from the act. In some cases, this is because one partner needs considerably more foreplay in order to feel like they are in the mood for sex. If you are the person with the higher sex drive, ask your partner if they think they would enjoy physical intimacy more if you spent more time kissing or touching before sex. Meanwhile, if you have realized that you would want to have sex more often if your partner tried harder to ‘warm you up’, then say so. This information does not have to be presented in the form of a criticism. For example, you might simply choose to say that you love the way your partner touches you and that you think you would find sex even hotter if more of this foreplay was involved.

3) Consider different forms of sexual intimacy:
Incompatible sex drives occasionally result from physical difficulties or discomfort. For example, men who struggle with erection problems may have lower sex drives due to nervousness and anxiety associated with sex. Meanwhile, women who have regularly experienced pain during sex may start to shy away from the act in case it hurts them. If you and your partner think that your sex life is being undermined by these types of physical issues, give some thought to expanding your sex life. For example, you might start focusing on manual or oral stimulation instead of intercourse.

4) Never have sex if you do not truly want to:
If your sex drive is lower than your partner’s, their unhappiness and your own feelings of guilt may make you feel as though you should just ‘get on with it’ even if you do not feel like doing so. While this may temporarily please the other person, it tends to have negative consequences in the long term. You may feel used or disconnected from your partner, and if they realize that you are having sex when you do not want to then they may feel offended and embarrassed. This type of well-meaning deception can cause trust issues that run deeper and last longer than the problems in your sex life.

5) Never pressure your partner to have sex:
If you have a higher sex drive than your partner, it is vital that you never make them feel as though they are under pressure  to have sex with you. While you should always be honest if a lack of sex is making you unhappy, you need to draw a distinction between being truthful about your feelings and trying to manipulate your partner into being physically intimate so that you feel better. Your partner is under no obligation to do anything that they do not want to do, and trying to pressure someone into having sex is a form of psychological abuse that violates the person’s autonomy.

6) Think about trying new things:
If you used to have compatible sex drives and there are no obvious physical or emotional issues that could be causing a reduction in one of your sex drives, boredom may be the root cause. Although it is often easiest to continue repeating a tried and tested sexual routine, over time the repetition can lead to one or both parties feeling somewhat numb to what used to be a satisfying source of stimulation. When prompted to reflect, the member of the relationship with the lower sex drive may realize and admit that they would be more interested in sex if there was more variety on offer. You can then discuss new positions, purchases and ideas that might make intimacy more exciting (and make your sex drives more compatible).

7) Explore counseling:
Finally, sex therapists and certain relationship counselors are trained to help couples explore the reasons underlying their sexual difficulties, so it is worth considering this option if discussions between you and your partner have not managed to improve your sex life. Although it sounds daunting to discuss something so personal with a stranger, remember that counselors and therapists are required to abstain from judgmental behavior or remarks and that they will have seen many other couples with problems that are more unusual than yours.

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